Wednesday, January 6, 2016

The Storm of Tears, (In Your Eyes)







Written by Grant G


Having immersed myself in the dark void of soulless data I find myself becoming increasingly bitter and callous......

If only you could see the world through my eyes, maybe you can, that is my ultimate goal, enlightenment, perhaps that is part of the media`s problem, do journalists see what we see, I can`t sleep anymore, the nightmares don`t stop..

I woke up to tears again this morning, how many of you wake up every other day with salty drops running down your cheeks, have the reporters and journalists stopped seeing, reporting, feeling so they can sleep, I have not that answer but I,..........But I need the tears, it reminds that I still care, my dad has been fishing without me all month, how he does it is beyond me he is over 80, he drags my mom up in the morning and prods her to the boat,a difficult task 20 years ago but now that my mom`s legs don`t work is amazing, a recent colon cancer survivor, lumps, bumps and breakdowns of body will not stop him, not only is he fighting the clock but also the demons.....

A fear of losing his mind has shaped his routine, no one wins that battle with time, at best you can hold the swinging pendulum at bay but for a moment, recently I was in a special section of the Maple Ridge hospital, the woman I was visiting is fighting for freedom, a girl too young to be looking for freedom, society stole her sanity and left her to fend for herself.......

Will her mind return is unknown, the vast majority of patients, victims, fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers in this unit are lost, the visitors to this place are me, sons, daughters, lovers and as I observe, watch, document, sons talking to fathers, daughters to mothers and I see blank stares and fear, blank stares from these loved ones whose minds are gone, memories purged, emotions ripped from their souls only to be replaced with pills and water......And fear in the eyes of blood related visitors........

Fear of ending up in the same place, crossword puzzles and Sudoko have been standard fare for my dad for years, I know what his fear is, not the clock but the blank stare, he has no worries as he still betters me when watching/playing Jeopardy, I am looking forward to spending labour day weekend with my parents, fishing with mom and dad has always been a temporary tear stopper for me, China Creek and Bamfield will provide the backdrop......

Recently mom told me dad said to her that despite his fits of anger towards me at times that he thinks I`m brilliant, I have been waiting a lifetime to hear that, not that I am brilliant or special but who doesn`t need the occasional compliment, with my dad emotions have always been hard for him, where as my mom it`s the complete opposite, passion and anger bubbles through......

Someone blessed me with a mix of both, cold calculated analytical with uncontrollable emotions, I was raised with warnings about being cannon fodder, taught to think and decide, to examine all sides and be vocal, yet that price is tears when I sleep and thoughts that can`t be stopped, happiness is fleeting and eludes me and I can`t help but think of the blank stares of fathers and mothers whose minds have been purged and the children who live in fear of ending up in the same state.......

Why? Those empty minds sleep without tears and peace seems to be in their grasp, I have not any answers only more questions, I`ll be gone fishing next week and I will have arguments with my dad and lose every one of them and he won`t call me brilliant, he`ll call me something and when I sleep I will wake up to tears and any happiness will be but a facade, my earliest memories are of fishing with dad and mom wiping my tears away, I was never promised happiness, all I look forward to now is completion, you know what our goal is and damn it, even if it kills me we will continue......

And I wouldn`t want it any other way.








The Straight Goods

Cheers-Eyes Wide Open

17 comments:

Gary E said...

Your observations are incredible Grant.

As I was reading this it occurred to me that I have the same fear as your father. The blank stare. In the last couple of years I have noticed that my short term memory seems to elude me more and more. I have resorted to putting things in certain places just so I won't have to hunt for them. Yet my long term memory is incredible. All my life I have been able to recall everything just by word or picture or written association. But now my memory is taking me back as far as two years old.
Some say this is a sign of the onset of Alzheimers. I don't know. BBut for now I am taking measures to help with the short term.

Kim said...

I have those fears too, the internet helps me flex that important organ. I am grateful to you who blog and you who comment for the interaction.

My biggest fear these days though and the closest threat, is my bag lady fears. I am perpetually one month away from the realization. Many women my age and older suffer from this fear. Mostly because we tend to outlive our spouse (and their financial security). We've been paid less for much more work, but the government, on all levels, has become the ememy, instead of the trustee to our good fortune.

Grant, tears and sleepless nights are the price you pay for brilliance. You know that as well as I. And brilliance often toys with madness. The key is to enjoy fishing with Mom and Dad, those memories will make them immortal.

I lost my Dad several years back. His mind did not deteriorate, thankfully. He was a man of few words, faint praise. One of the most important teachers I will ever have the good fortune to know.

Reconnect with the elements that sustain your spirit. Honour yourself by honouring your parents. Sleep well. (sometimes meditation helps, but the ocean is by far the best medicine!) Thanks brother...

Anonymous said...

Grant I have empathy for you, I have felt the pain and sickness that is brought about by the wealth creators. At the age of 17 I was exposed to asbestos in an industrial setting, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

If only the people in mass would wake from their torpor and challenge the destroyers of life and land.
Almost everyday of my adult life I have shed a tear for the land and for the people who are used and spit out like bile.

I do not know you in person Grant but I know you in spirit, and you are not alone.

Ken

Leah said...

Ahhh...dear Grant. While out fishing with Dad and Mom...take some time for yourself. Find a nice hill that overlooks everything, take off your shoes and socks at least...then sit on the ground - both hands and both feet planted firmly and let the earth replenish your energy. If you quiet your mind, you can actually feel it and it will feed your soul, like food feeds your body.

For those few, precious days...stay away from news of any source and rest. You deserve it, you've more than warranted it...and your blog friends will be with you in spirit. As Ken said, "you are not alone." Ever.

Anonymous said...

I think I may be younger (30's). What worries me most is the apathy and loss of values that I see with my peers.

I look at your writing and the comments and I see patriots and people that care about the public interest - fellow British Columbians.

I just don't see it out there otherwise; and I worry that it is generational. I work with young people and one of them recently proclaimed she was "anti-feminist"...

It seems Canadians don't understand what the previous generations fought and died for - the sacrifices made.

So what happens in the next generation that has never been in a union, never bloodly well bothered to vote, think empowering and oversexed are interchangeable ideas.

I want to get involved. I want to invest my time and energy in something positive. We need some inspiration.

Kim said...

Anon 3:32

That's the best news I've heard in quite some time. It's not a lost generation after all. You have much work ahead of you. Best get on it.

Your Elders.

P.S. Sorry about the mess.

P.P.S. Don't forget to teach your children...

Kim said...

Also, regarding the anti-feminist comment, that backlash has been building since the Reagan/Mulroony/Thatcher era, it's all part of discrediting the progressive/socialist movement. This is a clear libertarian or neo-conservative construct. You will see it played out over and over again, in relation to many socially progressive ideas, such as pacifism (you don't support the troops!) or science (global warming?)

You are dealing with a Totalitarian ideology, or, as Naomi Klein so aptly named it, "Disaster Capitalism". Learn to recognise it when you see it. Call it, document it and disseminate the information. That means talk about it, to as many people as you can. Back it up with statistics (while you can, because information access is quickly disappearing). We will do everything we can to assist. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Kim, I need to read Klein's book!

jaydee said...

Our dear Grant,

Peace, rest, fish and fun and take good care of yourself. You need it and we need you back here.

Have a wonderful time, you deserve it more than anyone I know.

Jean

Anonymous said...

hello Grant, Good to see that you are going to be back in stride again - perhaps tomorrow.
Oh! how we have missed you, both my partner and I have a conversation every day - What has happened to Grant? It's not like him to go so long without a word.

Feel the comfort that your readers DO care.
now if I can read those funny lettering below, you may be able to read this.

Anonymous said...

I too worried, where is Grant?

Your blogs are a part of our lives. I have checked your site, at least three times a day.

Not only did you lose your Dad....you lost your home and your three beautiful little companions.

I wish there was some way, to share your grief and your pain.

Just know, you are very missed by your readers.

Anonymous said...

-Hope you don't mind, but I've copied this for use on particularly rotten days, of which I'm glad i don't have many....

Quote:"Having immersed myself in the dark void of soulless data, I find myself becoming increasingly bitter and callous...."

Bluesborn said...

Both my parents are gone.My Dad in 2001 (just before the planes hit the towers in NY)and my Mom in 2010.I loved them both but like many of us it was never a close relationship.I don't ever remember getting a hug from my Dad and my Mom only started in her 80s (and it still felt a little awkward)I remember as a kid never being able to get her attention.She was always mentally elsewhere while I did cartwheels and hand stands looking for some attention that never came.Never got much encouragement out of them either.The fact is she was a beauty and he was a jealous young guy when they met and he spent his life keeping her happy.They were weekend party people and they had lot's of friends.In the end I didn't cry much over either of their deaths-not because I didn't care but because that's just how we were.No one asks to be born and your parents are who they are and that will never change.Like Carlin said,isn't it nice that once they're gone they can't ever come back and fuck with you again?

Grant G said...

Sorry for you memories..

Be Well Blue.


Cheers

Anonymous said...

Holy crap, Batman...these people are depressing the hell out of me!
People in B.C. should be shouting from the rooftops. It's over in 24 hours. These bandits will get their asses handed back to them.
Criminal proceedings will follow shortly.
Time for a joyous celebration.
No more tears!

Grant G said...

Yes, no more tears, celebration has begun.

I am volunteering tomorrow, getting out the vote..

Then..

Party like it`s 2013!

Thanks Robin!

Cheers

Anonymous said...

Hi Grant,

Well it's time I say thank you for the zillions of hours of research and your hard work keeping us up on the election. You my dear friend made it easy to spend time door-to-door with Susan Keeping and do whatever was needed, etc. knowing that you have your eye on what's happening everywhere in the province. Yours, the absolute best election coverage anywhere, ever.

I too have volunteered to scrutineer tomorrow. Surrey-White Rock is so tough with Hogg spending his entire life riding on his dad's coattails and serving up the people of BC nothing but misery. I am over the top happy with what Susan Keeping has been able to do so let's hope it works. I had a 3 hour meet with her in April 2012 ans spent a lot of time with her on her campaign and I have never been as impressed with a politician as I am with her. She is truly a star candidate. I think this might be the toughest riding of any...even Penticton is going ORANGE it looks like!

So please anyone who lives in the Surrey-White Rock riding...SUSAN KEEPING will not let you down.

May 15, 2013...Grant's gone fishin' after the party! Enjoy your time off it's so deserved.

GO SUSAN KEEPING AND THE BCNDP!

Hugs
Jean